Nothing

“Nothing,”
I said,
and that was all I meant
and knew
and felt
when you asked what I thought of when I thought of me and you.
Us, together.
A downward turn of your eyes, you don’t quite know
how every springtime can be a little death of unbearable happiness for me,
but I fall in love in winter when things turn to dust,
grey in the pale twilight fading into an empty black.
I can’t tell you how hollowness makes me gasp,
and the lack excites me
the same way a mirror does
the reflection speaking of now and now is the realization
of fleeting waking desires drawing me down into the void.

I hate sonnets

Let me pin your loose edges with my lips,

To watch the sweet bloom spread across your chest.

You kiss like eating glass, static unrest;

I can only keep you under my hips

For so long, before you drift off as ships

Drift, no direction, aimless on the crest.

With abrupt clicks and zips, I fade undressed

Into pale sheets, cold at my fingertips.

Where will you go now, easing from the dark

Glass of face to face, narrow on the plain?

Gone too soon, too late; as the dawning spark

Of new dims at last, leaving only stark

Colors: reds on white, ephemeral stain.

Lone memory, ever, remains the mark.

Song for Westmont

Oh unhappy water-heaters hissing and spitting in insolent contempt
hurling mineral-laden water toward some rusty shower head that is neither pressurized
nor removable
to fall upon the slouched shoulder of another man-child who was cracking into dawn like another beer
and all ping pong balls know their fate
I know their fate when I hear them skuttle across the floor through my ceiling like alcoholic cockroaches
and the stumbles of incoherent youth are fortified by whoops of ecstatic “Fuck yeahs!” when the plastic hits plastic and settles down into a comfortable, if static relationship momentarily
before being plucked gingerly out so as not to soak the fingers
the fingers that will stroke the girl on his team in the too-tight, too-short skirt and the long hair that reaches all the way down into her memories of not being asked out in high school
those fingers will grasp at, will claw toward
a singular event in an empty apartment that neither of them will actually remember
a mercy they will both be grateful for
and in the meantime,those fingers inch ever forward in search for something meaningful in the round curve of her ass
I hear the orgasmic
the awkward thrusts of headboard against wall, irrhythmic as a deformed heart
the murmured sighs and contentment of lovers too awkward
upstairs, the guys are either fucking or playing wii sports
their heavy thuds and inquiet groans suggest something primal, but they are so infrequent and irregular that I hope it isn’t sex for the sake of their relationship
a car door slams. other cars roar in the distance.
I live too close to the highway.
a door slams. all doorways here are unloved.
the manager with his slicked thin hair calls for a tow-truck, again
a baby cries, maybe.
who keeps a dog caged in a one-bedroom apartment?

wet

your breath comes measured

in exquisite twos

my fingertips black

with ash

transfixed by gold awash

the windows bead in anticipation

and all of this writing is a poor substitute

for what i really mean

words can’t dream speak listen love like i do

when the world outside drowns

and i make a shelter out of this poem

he being undone

by his own tongue

unraveled soft and damp against my chest

while I heaved troublesome silence

into the space

between

us.

questions unasked, unknown

how is it that the one who

can coax oceans from me

can leave me

stuttering,

raw,

a pillar of

loose tears

?

the fucker knew

it was salt

all the same

anyway.

Annual

This is my third year of doing a 100 question survey. Is there a point? Maybe. I believe both of the others are also on here, although the first may be on facebook. If I’m leaving an answer the same, I put (S) at the end.

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
On my left knee, I have a pink scar from falling while hiking.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Nothing, I’m transient.

4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?

Indie rock, alternative rock, electronica, IDM, electro-pop, classical.
5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
A Monday morning. (S)6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
A journal, damn it.

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
My sisters.

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
My nerves of steel. Not really.

9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
Just about 5’8″.

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
No. (S)

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
No, the dark is for secrets, not scary things.

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
Ryan, but not on purpose. (S)

13. WHAT’S YOUR WORST FEAR?
I have many irrational fears. And some rational ones. Teeth things, leeches, losing a job, losing someone I care for.

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
This question should be rephrased. It doesn’t matter.

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO AT?
I can’t. (S)

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
Coffee, obvs.

17. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPINGS?
Cheese. (S)

18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
A hamburger.

19. FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME?
Purple. (S)

20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
No. (S)

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU’VE EVER RECEIVED?
It’s not the first gift, but today my stepmom told me she’s giving me a writing book that used to be hers, and I’m really excited for it. It feels meaningful, so that’s on my mind right now.

22. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
Wouldn’t you like to know.

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
A little, in my fingertips and arms.

24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
I don’t have one.

25. WHO IS YOUR FAV FEMALE/MALE CELEBRITY?
Rachel Weisz/ Leonardo DiCaprio

26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?
My parents have a dog, but I don’t have a pet personally.

27. WHAT KIND IS IT?
See above.

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
How could you stop that? Every time I tell my heart something, no matter how stern I am, it laughs at me and says, “Like you know what’s best for you.” (S) But I’m adding–seriously. My heart does whatever it wants.

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
20

31. BLONDES, BRUNETTES OR RED HEADS?
I have brown hair. I don’t have a preference.

32. FAVORITE QUOTE?
“I don’t want to be the best lover you’ve ever had. I just want to be your favorite.” Derrick C. Brown

33. FAVORITE PLACE?
San Luis Obispo

34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?
Yes, to Australia and Mexico. (S)

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
Back kisses. Literary topics.

36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS?
No.

37. FIRST JOB?
First real job: Student assistant

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
Yes

39. DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOUL MATE?
I don’t believe in souls.

40. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?

Not working

41. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?

Oral surgery, and internal stitches if that counts.

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
Lately, how tiny I am. And my hair.

43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
No.

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Wine.

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT AND THEIR NAMES?
Two, maximum. Don’t know about names.

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Kind of. The “-lyn” is recycled a lot on my mom’s side of the family, as is my middle name (Genevieve). (S)

47. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Passiveness.

48. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKE ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
My teachers.

49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
The kind that cleans my hair.

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
On occasion.

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Pastrami.

52. ANY BAD HABITS?
Oh, I’m sure.

53. ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON?
Not usually, but…

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
My answer from last year cracks me up. But yes, I would befriend myself.

55. DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS?
For some people, in some circumstances. (S)

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
In a relationship, yes. There has to be physical attraction on some level.

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
Writing and talking about it.

58. …
This technically makes this survey 99 questions.

59. WHAT’S YOUR MAIN GOAL IN LIFE?
To maximize my personal and social utility (ie happiness).

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
A stuffed animal named Flowers.

61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
I’m a telephone book..

62.WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
Yes?

63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Sometimes.

64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
Mac’n'Cheese all the way.

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
Intelligence, humor, ambition, direction. It’s starting to matter more to me that someone has some kind of ultimate goal, or at least ideas of what they want.

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
Caity.

67. FAVORITE SUPER POWER?
Dr. Manhattan, if that counts.

68. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?
Arrested Development, Archer.

69.WHAT’S THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH YOUR ENEMIES?
I don’t have enemies.

70. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
Vanilla and chocolate syrup.

71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?
Yes.

72. DO YOU HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR ROOM?
I have a laptop.

73. PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
Buy a journal, take this awful nail polish off.

74. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WHEN YOU ARE OLDER?
Nor Cal or France or Australia or some combination of all three maybe.

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
No, this is for myself.

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
Beethoven’s Symphony No. 9 in D minor opus. I prefer Symphony No. 7 though.

77. LAST THING YOU DRANK?
Energy drink.

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Mike Ion.

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX
Height. (S)

80. WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME?
Watch movies, talk, go to hipster coffee shops, listen to music.

81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE?
Organized religion.

82. FAVORITE SEASON OF THE YEAR
I like the summer, and the fall.

83. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF CANDY?
I’m partial to M&Ms, peanut.

84. HAVE YOU EVER REALLY AND TRULY HAD A BEST FRIEND?
Diana is my bff.

85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?

Brown. (S)86. EYE COLOR?
Hazel, but I put brown on my drivers license. So, there’s that.

87. SHOE SIZE?
8.5, generally.

88. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
In n’ Out (S)

89. FAVORITE RESTAURANT?
In SLO, Natural Cafe.

90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
Oh, goodness yes.

91. WATCH TV TODAY?
No.

92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
Birthdays. Anyone’s, but especially my own.

93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS?
Guitar, ish. Not really.

94. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT?
Both leave much to be desired. Independent. (S)

95. KISSES OR HUGS?
Kisses (S)

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
Relationships (S)

97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
Dinner supplies.

98. WOULD YOU EVER BE A HOUSEWIFE/ STAY@HOME DAD?
I don’t see that happening.

99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
Stranger in a Strange Land – Robert A. Heinlein

100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE:
:)

tes mains sont comme le soleil

C’est vrai.

books of june/july (2)

The Unbearable Lightness of Being – Milan Kundera

Summer

(newness)

what am i to you

a

soft tumbling gasp

out of lips pressed against your hair

or

the cause of the furrow

who am i to

this aching figure

a fierce other

or

a wandering tornado

in lace

<3

(on me your hands belong)

smoothing the scars back into pretty

fingertips rising against past

muscle memory

to undo.

sinew made new

unstitched and recast

into forms gorgeously

unfamiliar, vast.